envy

“You must not covet your neighbor’s house. You must not covet your neighbor’s wife, male or female servant, ox or donkey, or anything else that belongs to your neighbor.” (Exodus 20:17, NLT)

There is an aspect of my personality that I've been struggling with for as long as I remember. And it has to do with envy. I have enormous respect for talent of every form, but many times I can't just leave it at that. When I am confronted with someone of talent, particularly when it is someone I know and am close to, I cannot always simply appreciate their talent. I start to compare myself and pick out all of the ways I am not as talented or skilled. What is it about me that makes me want to be the best at everything, and beating myself up because I'm not?

Envy does not do me any good. It just makes me sad. It makes me dissatisfied. And then it discolors my ability to enjoy others' talents. Ugh. It's disgusting to even admit. What an unpleasant part of being human.

So what does it take to avoid envy, lust, and coveting? I really think the root, or foundation, is being content with who and what and where you are. Then, out of that, you can live a life of love, acceptance, and appreciation for the ways we are all different and unique. And, of course, none of us have the power to do this on our own. It's not our nature.

I know one of the fastest ways for me to realize I am not feeling content or secure is when I catch myself being envious. Right now, I happen to be feeling a bit covetous of my husband's ability to play the piano. He is in the other room playing and singing. His musical talent is one of the things that I admire most about him; the first time I heard him play the piano, I quite nearly melted...

So, WHY can such a beautiful feeling, such a beautiful thing--my admiration and appreciation of his talent--become so twisted so that it actually causes me pain? I know my heart is not in the right place. And I know I'm not perfect and I'm bound to have negativity in my life from time to time. And I know it will pass. I know, I know, and I know. But my heart does not know.

I'm reading a book entitled Your Erroneous Zones by Dr. Wayne W. Dyer per the recommendation of some dear friends of mine. One of the things he states very strongly early on in the book is that we are capable of controlling our feelings. This is based on two premises: First, that we can control our thoughts, and second, that our feelings are a result of our thoughts. Therefore, since we can control our thoughts, and our feelings come from our thoughts, we can control our feelings. If that is true, then I have some work to do on learning how to control my thoughts instead of letting them control me. Sounds like a good goal to me.