I believe God doesn't define perfection as doing everything the right way all the time. God defines perfection as loving and accepting all people as they are, and recognizing their intrinsic worth. I don't have any use for religion that's all about who's in and who's out. God is the only capable judge of humans' hearts, so I think we should leave the judging to him.
While I don't feel all of my spiritual struggles have been unearthed, let alone explored and resolved, I have been a bit sidetracked from my journey as of late. I don't plan to discontinue or delete this blog, but I don't expect to write in it for a while.
In the meantime, I have started a blog about my journey with fibromyalgia. I've made a total of one entry so far, but intend to spend more time researching and writing about fibromyalgia in the future. I consider it an aspect of my treatment planning. For those of you who are curious, my new blog can be found at: http://fightfibro.healthblogs.org/. Here's an excerpt from my first entry.
Fibromyaglia is a combination of sensitivities and stressors that lead to diminished well-being and health... There are many causes and contributing factors, which lead to a spectrum of symptoms, which ultimately develop into the self-perpetuating syndrome known as fibromyalgia.
Fibromyalgia is too complex, too new, and too mild of a health problem for the medical community to press beyond symptom management and into the confusing and complex maze of causative and contributing factors, the available interventions, and the process of moving from treating symptoms to addressing the root of the problem.
Part of the challenge of moving forward in treatment of fibromyalgia, as well as many other syndromes and spectrum disorders, is that no two patients are the same... The key for sorting out symptom management and treatment for any complex condition is to identify which symptoms are impacting function the most, and focus on addressing those issues first... Another important aspect of managing complex conditions is identifying any areas of maladaption that may have developed... Any maladaptive strategy a patient has developed will only serve to exacerbate their symptoms and hamper their healing and recovery, which is why it is an important area of intervention when treating fibromyalgia and other chronic conditions.
There comes a point in your spiritual life, as in human life, where many come to question their origins and how they were raised.
Growing up, I idolized my father. In my eyes, he could do no wrong.
Growing up, I learned about God, went to private school, and studied all of the right answers to questions I had never had.
You, the reader, may relate to the devastation I went through as a young adult when I finally learned my father was NOT perfect.
I am going through the grief process of realizing my church, my religion, and Christianity in general is NOT perfect.
I pray that just as God has helped me into a healthy reconciliation with my father, he will guide me into a healthy reconciliation with my church, my religion, and Christianity. Because otherwise, I fear, I will be lost.
It's been almost a year since I last wrote on here. I've been a little preoccupied. The main thing that has been going on in my life has been learning to live with fibromyalgia. I was having a lot of health problems in the fall, and I was finally diagnosed in February with FM. I'll be honest, it's been a bit of an adjustment, but God has blessed me. I'm learning how to take better care of myself and to manage my symptoms, and on my good days I actually feel better than I have in a very long time. For those of you who are unfamiliar with fibromyalgia, here's a good introduction/overview to fill you in on what I've been learning to live with: FM Fact Sheet.
Now that I'm doing better, I hope to have more time/energy to put into this blog. I've been doing a lot of thinking and it will be good for me to try to organize my thoughts.
Just wanted to share a really great website: Renewed Heart Ministries. Herb Montgomery is a pastor that gets it. I'll let his messages speak for themselves: http://www.renewedheartministries.com.
I love spring time. Despite it's dangers (pollen, poison ivy, and the allure of baby animals I don't have the time/room/money to care for), I truly enjoy seeing green, lush growth after the dreary brown, dormant scenery of winter.
Spring reminds me of the seasons of growth I'm continually going through as a person and as a child of God. All I can say is I'm glad God's not through with me yet. I've been struggling... more often than not... for as long as I can remember. God has granted me triumphs and given me great blessings that I don't deserve, and yet I still feel like I'm waging a continual uphill battle.
I've been trying to pair my worries with praises...to remind myself despite what I'm facing, God has always seen me through.
Frustrations at work. But thank God for work!
Worries about money. But thank God for work and for keeping me healthy so I don't miss work!
Unresolved pain and bitterness about my mom. But thank God for granting me understanding and hope in the future -- being reunited with mom in heaven, one day experiencing the fullness of motherhood myself.
I've started working on my sermon and I'm feeling a little better about it. I won't feel good about it until I've finalized it though...my mind can't rest knowing I've got something important coming up.
I've decided my sermon is going to be entitled "Bringing Heaven to Earth." I've got some really good quotes and some exciting concepts going through my head that I hope I can communicate clearly and effectively. Despite how much I hate seeing videos of myself, I'm going to have Drew run our video camera this weekend and I'll post the resulting video on here for those of you who wish you could be there but can't. :)
Despite the rather cheesy intro, the sermon is quite fantastic. Pastor Gary asks some really good questions that I would almost be afraid to ask in my own mind, let alone in front of a whole group of people. But I think they are valid questions. I could see how the questions he asks may make some people feel uncomfortable, but I think it's because they are hard questions that challenge the way we've always believed. But I think it is important to challenge and stretch what you believe in so that when it is really tested your faith will be as strong as can be. Check it out:
There is so much beauty in this world...how much do you miss?
"Many a marketing survey has been conducted to gauge how presentation affects consumer perceptions of quality, and quite a few such surveys have found that people will frequently designate one of two identical items as being distinctly better than the other simply because it is packaged or presented more attractively. Might this same concept apply to fields outside of consumer products, such as the arts? Would, for example, people distinguish between a world-class instrumental virtuoso and an ordinary street musician if the only difference between them were the setting? These were questions tackled by Washington Post writer Gene Weingarten in 2007 when he enlisted renowned violinist Joshua Bell, a winner of the Avery Fisher Prize for outstanding achievement in classical music who regularly undertakes over 200 international engagements a year, to spend part of a morning playing incognito at the entrance to a Washington Metro station during a morning rush hour. Weingarten set up the event 'as an experiment in context, perception and priorities — as well as an unblinking assessment of public taste: In a banal setting at an inconvenient time, would beauty transcend?'
"So, on 12 January 2007, morning commuters passing through the L'Enfant Plaza Station of the subway line in Washington, D.C. were, without publicity, treated to a free mini-concert performed by violin virtuoso Joshua Bell, who played for approximately 45 minutes, performing six classical pieces during that span on his handcrafted 1713 Stradivarius violin (for which Bell reportedly paid $3.5 million). As Weingarten described the crux of the experiment:
Each passerby had a quick choice to make, one familiar to commuters in any urban area where the occasional street performer is part of the cityscape: Do you stop and listen? Do you hurry past with a blend of guilt and irritation, aware of your cupidity but annoyed by the unbidden demand on your time and your wallet? Do you throw in a buck, just to be polite? Does your decision change if he's really bad? What if he's really good? Do you have time for beauty? Shouldn't you? What's the moral mathematics of the moment?
"Three days earlier, Bell had played to a full house at Boston's Symphony Hall, where fairly good seats went for $100. But on this day he collected just $32.17 for his efforts, contributed by a mere 27 of 1,097 passing travelers. Only seven people stopped to listen, and just one of them recognized the performer.
"The Washington Post won a Pulitzer in the feature writing category for Gene Weingarten's April 2007 story about this experiment."
How many of your neighbors do you know? Do you spend time with them? I know the names of maybe 4 of our neighbors. If I happen to see them when I'm leaving or returning, I might say "hi". The other day one of my dogs "ran" away next door when he heard people. Drew and I went over and talked for a good 30-45 minutes with them...something that wouldn't have happened unless we were chasing our run-away dog.
How many times have you brushed someone aside or only half listened to them because you were busy? You were playing a game, reading something, or watching a TV show, and you found your attention couldn't be averted fully away from what you were doing, even for just a few minutes, in order to connect with whoever it was that was seeking your attention.
How many meals have you eaten with another person without saying more than a few sentences? How many times have you ridden in the car with others and hardly said a word? How many times have you just failed to connect to other people in your world?
I'm sorry to admit that I have been guilty of not connecting. Time and time again. There have been times I'd rather send an email or a card than have a telephone conversation. There have been times I'd rather spend time alone than take the effort and time to listen or pay attention to someone else.
We are living in one of the most technologically advanced societies of the world. We have everything we need and most everything we want. We have every convenience and comfort we could dream of. We are blessed.
But we are disconnected. We have become a society of individuals. And this is tragic.
We are designed to be connected. We were designed to be connected to God, to our earth, to God's creatures, and to each other. But somehow it's become easier for us to function without the hassle of those connections. We're all about what's convenient and comfortable. If God works in ways that are inconvenient or uncomfortable for us, we turn against Him. We blame Him for upsetting our way of doing things. We don't respect Him. If something in our earth is inconvenient or uncomfortable, we "fix" it. We find a way to ignore it, change it, or replace it so that we can be comfortable again. We don't respect our earth. If one of God's creatures has made things inconvenient or uncomfortable for us, we kill it, abuse it, neglect it, abandon it, or drive it away. We don't respect the animals. And if someone doesn't fit our agenda and our time frame, we reject him or her, and expect to be understood as being busy or stressed. If a relationship no longer suits our wants or needs, we discard it.
What are the consequences of this attitude? We are disconnected. We are depressed. We are dysfunctional. We are destroying ourselves and everything around us.
I'm not okay with this. I'm vowing to make an effort to connect and to respect everyone and everything around me. I'm not connected and I'm going to change that. God help me.
An author by the name of Tom Beaudoin wrote a book entitled "Virtual Faith: The Irreverent Spiritual Quest of Generation X." I haven't read the book yet, but from what I've read in the reviews and quotes I've found, it seems he's pinpointed how Gen Xers question the age-old crap we've been fed that pop culture and religion are mutually exclusive. I'm evidentally not the only person out there who feels that it's not a sin to get a tattoo or spend time in a bar or hang around people who aren't "holy."
"Both society and the church teach about religious meaning through media, technology, sciences, and tradition. Young adults, as creators and receivers of that culture, often work outside the traditional box asking questions or making connections that other adults may overlook. Cynicism, irreverence, and attitude may characterize this push."
Those are the negative connotations attached to this attitude. But more open-minded individuals actually view this attitude as a spiritual gift. It's our way of testing what's true and relevant for us, here and now, not holding out for a better day once the world ends (which our elders have posited can't be long off...and they've said that for over 100 years now...maybe longer).
This attitude is a gift, "touched by God's sometimes discomforting spirit, that authentically demands a connection between the world today, the world of young adults, and the ancient tradition of the Christian faith." It is also "a prophetic gift that young adults may bring to both church and culture--exposing hypocrisy, demanding truth, and leading to acts of justice and love."
(Quotes are from Sidney D. Fowler in the Push It! Bible Quest series for young adults.)
I'm beginning to realize how much my mental health status affects my spiritual life, and vice versa. When I read The Shack by Wm. Paul Young, I realized how many erroneous thoughts I had about God, Jesus, and my worth and role as a human being. The Shack really helped me put my spiritual life back into perspective and helped me let go of a lot of unseen baggage I had been carrying around about religion and God. It reminded me of how beautiful and special this world and all of creation is: including all of the people who live on earth.
I followed up reading The Shack with the book Your Erroneous Zones by Dr. Wayne Dyer. I thought it was a pretty good follow up, because it helped me further challenge my thoughts about God, others, and especially myself. I have realized there are lots of different erroneous thoughts floating around in my head that make me feel stressed out and unhappy.
The last chapter of Your Erroneous Zones is about people who have eliminated erroneous thoughts from their minds. I liked how Dr. Dyer summed it up in this sentence: People who have eliminated all erroneous zones from their lives are "too busy being to notice what their neighbors are doing." They are fully-functional without the help of others and don't have time to worry about others. A cute link a friend sent me reinforced how people who are self-actualized differ from other people. I encourage you to check it out. It's called "Sweet Taters."
Drew and I spent Thanksgiving in St. Louis with my family. I love Thanksgiving. This year, I spent some time really thinking about how much I have to be grateful for. And there is a LOT. I won't list all of them, but here are a few categories:
I am thankful for the people and animals in my life.
I am thankful for the opportunities I have to grow and improve.
I am thankful for the material blessings that have given me much comfort and pleasure over the past year.
I am thankful for my job and the chance I have had to make a difference in the lives of children on a daily basis.
I am thankful for a Creator who revels in my unique personality and accepts me and loves me for who I am.
I am thankful to live in a world that still has so much beauty and wonder.
I realize this blog has become somewhat of a way for me to express what I don't like. So, there are at least six things I do like to balance it out. :)
This week at our small group, we watched a talk by W. Paul Young, the author of The Shack. We were all really struck by his honesty, sincerity, peace, hope, love, brilliance, etc. You should check it out, even if you haven't read the book. It doesn't spoil anything about the book, but it definitely adds some perspective for those of us who have read it. If you're interested, follow this link:
This link will take you to part 4 of 12; the first three are music and a long introduction. There is still some introduction on part 4, but it's worth waiting out. Once part 4 completes, look for part 5, etc.
"And don't say anything you don't mean. This counsel is embedded deep in our traditions. You only make things worse when you lay down a smoke screen of pious talk, saying, 'I'll pray for you,' and never doing it, or saying, 'God be with you,' and not meaning it. You don't make your words true by embellishing them with religious lace. In making your speech sound more religious, it becomes less true. Just say 'yes' and 'no.' When you manipulate words to get your own way, you go wrong." (Matt. 5:33-37, Message)
How are Christians like politicians? Let me count the ways...
Some Christians are so convinced they are right and everyone else is wrong that they forget we are all human and all fall short of the grace of God.
Others are so concerned with being liked that they won't say what they believe in.
Some Christians think that because they are Christians, they have to have all the answers and have to act religious all the time; or at least when around other Christians. But that's just it -- it's just an ACT.
I love the term Eugene Peterson uses in this verse: "religious lace." I don't know how many Christians do it purposefully, but I've noticed this behavior a lot... There are Christians who pray very eloquently and who seem to say all the right things, but they seem to be missing something... that something being a calm assurance in their relationship with Christ.
This is a hard topic to write about without judging others and their walks with God. All I know is as a struggling Christian, hearing other Christians use all the right religious terms without having a true connection with God is a huge turn off. It's true what the Bible says, "In making your speech sound more religious, it becomes less true." I've grown up my entire life hearing religous-speak; I am thirsty for REAL people, genuine people. I don't care if they don't have all the right answers, I just want them to be honest with themselves, with God, and with me.
be still and know He know He is holy be still and know He is God we have our lives with inventions that have hurried us nowhere fast now we need to turn our attentions to what will last
be still and know He know He is holy be still and know He is God love Him more dearly see Him more clearly be still and know He is God
we've been running without a direction we're afraid to get there late what we need is strength just to kneel down and wait
be still and know He know He is holy be still and know He is God love Him more dearly see Him more clearly be still and know He is God
There never seems to be enough time in a day. Things go by so quickly, and my to do list seems to be getting longer instead of shorter every day. It's so easy to fall into the cycle of going, going, going, because there is never an end to what needs to be done. And that's just talking about responsibilities. When you throw in the things you want to do, you have even less time.
But we are hard-wired to require rest. And not just sleeping every night. But to actually spend a portion of our day, while we are awake, resting. Our bodies have two basic physiologic states, which are controlled by separate nerves and brain functions.
The first physiologic state is controlled by the parasympathetic nervous system, and is responsible for what's called homeostasis. Homeostasis is complex, but is essentially the body's ability to regulate. It enables the body to regulate many different processes, including hydration, temperatue, digestion, filtering of nutrients and waste, healing, and arousal level (how awake/alert we are). It also allows us to adapt to our environment, both internal and external. It is quite literally our bodies' "home" state -- where we are supposed to be functioning most of the time.
The second physiologic state is controlled by the sympathetic nervous system, and is responsible for the well-known "fight or flight response". It is a protective system that is intented to alert us to danger and help us to escape or fight the source of danger. This system is always functioning, and during times of rest, works in conjunction with the parasympathetic nervous system. But during times of stress, the sympathetic nervous system "takes charge" and overrides parasympathetic activity. It is necessary for survival.
But when we stay constantly busy and stressed, we essentially wear our bodies out. We don't spend enough time in homeostasis where our bodies can regulate all those important functions I mentioned before. We aren't able to heal adequately, we don't filter nutrients and waste effectively, we have trouble falling asleep and staying awake, etc., etc. It becomes a vicious cycle--the more accrued damage our bodies store up, the more and more rest they will need to get back to "normal." So, we develop internal stress on top of the external stress we experience.
The funny thing about humans, though, is that we don't easily remember how important it is to rest. No wonder God had to give us a command to rest, and for a whole 24-hour period, no less! I know many days I don't slow down long enough for a 15-minute lunch break, let alone 24 hours at a time. There are so many important things that happen when we rest. Yes, of course, there are the important physiological reasons I've described. But rest is also crucial for mental health, relationships, and spirituality. And again, I don't just mean getting enough sleep. I'm also referring to spending time "resting" while we are awake...being still...
Isn't it hard? But we need it. We need it so much, God commands us out of love to take time to rest. When we are properly rested, we are healthier, more vibrant, and better capable to face the challenges that come our way. We are more grounded; centered; organized; whatever you want to call it. We are more in tune with God and with others. It's such a positive and crucial part of our lives; why is it so easy to ignore and abuse?
“You must not covet your neighbor’s house. You must not covet your neighbor’s wife, male or female servant, ox or donkey, or anything else that belongs to your neighbor.” (Exodus 20:17, NLT)
There is an aspect of my personality that I've been struggling with for as long as I remember. And it has to do with envy. I have enormous respect for talent of every form, but many times I can't just leave it at that. When I am confronted with someone of talent, particularly when it is someone I know and am close to, I cannot always simply appreciate their talent. I start to compare myself and pick out all of the ways I am not as talented or skilled. What is it about me that makes me want to be the best at everything, and beating myself up because I'm not?
Envy does not do me any good. It just makes me sad. It makes me dissatisfied. And then it discolors my ability to enjoy others' talents. Ugh. It's disgusting to even admit. What an unpleasant part of being human.
So what does it take to avoid envy, lust, and coveting? I really think the root, or foundation, is being content with who and what and where you are. Then, out of that, you can live a life of love, acceptance, and appreciation for the ways we are all different and unique. And, of course, none of us have the power to do this on our own. It's not our nature.
I know one of the fastest ways for me to realize I am not feeling content or secure is when I catch myself being envious. Right now, I happen to be feeling a bit covetous of my husband's ability to play the piano. He is in the other room playing and singing. His musical talent is one of the things that I admire most about him; the first time I heard him play the piano, I quite nearly melted...
So, WHYcan such a beautiful feeling, such a beautiful thing--my admiration and appreciation of his talent--become so twisted so that it actually causes me pain? I know my heart is not in the right place. And I know I'm not perfect and I'm bound to have negativity in my life from time to time. And I know it will pass. I know, I know, and I know. But my heart does not know.
I'm reading a book entitled Your Erroneous Zones by Dr. Wayne W. Dyer per the recommendation of some dear friends of mine. One of the things he states very strongly early on in the book is that we are capable of controlling our feelings. This is based on two premises: First, that we can control our thoughts, and second, that our feelings are a result of our thoughts. Therefore, since we can control our thoughts, and our feelings come from our thoughts, we can control our feelings. If that is true, then I have some work to do on learning how to control my thoughts instead of letting them control me. Sounds like a good goal to me.
Last night was OurSpace -- our small group from church that gets together once a week. We got started watching Rob Bell's Nooma videos and have since developed into a more eclectic discussion group. Right now we're all reading The Shack and plan on discussing it once everyone finishes (hurry up, Ed & Drew!!!).
Anyway, last night we watched You've Got Style, a DVD sermon by Andy Stanley, the pastor of North Point Community Church, a prominent & progressive church in the Atlanta area. The sermon was based on Hebrews 10 & the book Sacred Pathways by Gary L. Thomas. It really made sense to me, especially when he was talking about the 4 major pitfalls we are all guilty of when it comes to misunderstanding worship styles. The basic premise of the sermon was that there is only one path to salvation, which is through Jesus Christ, but that there are many different expressions and ways of connecting with God along that path.
He introduced 9 different styles that Gary Thomas mentions in his book:
Intellectual - Loving God with the Mind:These Christians live in the world of concepts. They may feel closest to God when they first understand something new about Him.
Contemplative - Loving God through Adoration:These Christians seek to love God with the purest, deepest, and brightest love imaginable. They want nothing more than some privacy and quiet to gaze upon the face of their heavenly Lover and give all of themselves to God.
Enthusiast - Loving God with Mystery & Celebration:Excitement and mystery in worship is the spiritual lifeblood of enthusiasts. They are inspired by joyful celebration; cheerleaders for God and the Christian life. They don't want to just know concepts, but to experience them, to feel them, and to be moved by them. They like to let go and experience God on the precipice of excitement and awe.
Caregiver - Loving God by Loving Others:Caregivers serve God by serving others. They often claim to see Christ in the poor and needy, and their faith is built up by interacting with other people. Caring for others recharges a caregiver's batteries.
Activist - Loving God Through Confrontation:These Christians define worship as standing against evil and calling sinners to repentance. They are energized more by interaction with others, even in conflict, than by being alone or in small groups. Activists are spiritually nourished through the battle.
Ascetic - Loving God in Solitude and Simplicity:Ascetics want nothing more than to be left alone in prayer. Let there be nothing to distract them--no pictures, no loud music--and leave them alone to pray in silence and simplicity.
Traditionalist - Loving God Through Ritual and Symbol:Traditionalists are fed by what are often termed the historic dimensions of faith: rituals, symbols, sacraments, and sacrifice. They tend to have a disciplined life of faith and have a need for ritual and structure.
Sensate - Loving God with the Senses:Sensate Christians want to be lost in the awe, beauty, and splendor of God. They are drawn particularly to the liturgical, the majestic, the grand. They want to be filled with sights, sounds, and smells that overwhelm them. The five senses are God's most effective inroad to their hearts.
Naturalist - Loving God Out of Doors:The naturalist seeks to leave the formal architecture and the padded pews to enter an entirely new "cathedral", a place that God himself has built: the out-of-doors.
I found a couple of places online that you can take quizzes to find out what your style is. If you're curious, you can take the quizzes for yourself. The first two are the same quizzes, just different ways of answering the questions (I like the 2nd one). The last one is a different quiz with 7 different styles based on the book An Ordinary Day with Jesus by John Ortberg & Ruth Haley Barton. It can be printed off but you have to self-score it.
In case you're curious, I was quite a mix of the 9. I was strongest in the Contemplative and Intellectual areas and significantly weakest in the Traditionalist category. I haven't taken the third quiz yet, but if you're curious, I'll let you know when I do. :) I think I might get the Sacred Pathways book at some point... sounds like it might have some good insights on how we relate with each other and with God.
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